By: Angela Edmonds
From relationships to work to creativity, all of my insecurities seem to circle back to one lie: You are not enough. This seems to leave me striving for a way to justify myself. Maybe if I was more outgoing, or if I could really impress my boss, or if I could just accomplish that one thing, then maybe it would be good enough. As it turns out, there is no one-stop shop for defeating lies like this. It is a journey more than anything else.
About a year and a half ago, I heard someone give a talk about self-worth. She talked about three things that we have to unlearn in order to love ourselves: a need for approval, lies we believe about ourselves, and comparison. That night, my heart shifted. All three of those things had a hold on my life. I desperately and subconsciously wanted people that I valued to affirm who I was. It’s not out of a place of pride, it’s just a desire to know that you are worthy and good. I let the lies in my mind control my actions, and I found myself trapped in comparison everywhere I went. After I heard that talk, I thought I had a roadmap to healing my insecurity, and I was so sure that my life was going to change.
About a year later, I heard the same person give a very similar talk, with the same three points. I was ready to feel victorious, because for a year I had been living in these truths, sharing them with others, and letting them bleed into my prayers and conversations. But as I sat in the back corner of the room that night, I felt utterly defeated. It had been a whole year, but the lies and insecurities weren’t gone. I still did not believe that I was good enough. I still compared myself to people that I thought were prettier, smarter, or more creative. I must have failed. I knew the truth. Other people affirmed me in who I was, and I could speak the truth over myself, but it was not rooted in my heart. After a whole year, how could I be right back to where I started?
I began to question whether or not there was freedom from these lies; whether or not I would ever really be able to believe the truth about who I was. Do I have to just keep faking it, or will it really sink in one day? This is what I have decided: I am living in freedom one day at a time.
I struggle with feeling worthy of relationships, but I am enough.
I feel like I fall short at work, but I am enough.
I wish I have the time and inspiration to live out all my creative dreams, but I am enough.
I sometimes compare myself to people that I envy, but I am enough.
Knowing the truth about who you are doesn’t mean that you have defeated the lies for good, it means that you are choosing to fight for yourself every single day. It is messy and painful and ongoing, but it’s worth it. Some days I give into the lies and lay in surrender, but other days I burn the white flag and stand in the truth. There is no end goal here. It truly is all about the journey. There are a lot of mountain/road metaphors that would be appropriate here, but I encourage you to write your own.
There is something beautiful about embracing a process that has no end. There is something freeing about acknowledging that you are a mess and being okay with it. There is something important about rising above the limitations or expectations that we set for ourselves. You are going to be you for the rest of your life. There are always going to be things you struggle with or wish you were better at, but then there are the gifts and talents that you get to refine and practice every day.
If you don’t feel good enough today, I’m right there with ya.
It doesn’t mean you failed, it means you took one more step in your beautiful process of becoming. Take a second to speak truth over yourself: I am enough. Sometimes that’s a powerful thing to say even when you don’t believe it. Regardless of past choices, present struggles, or future mistakes, you are good enough right now in this moment. Wherever you are sitting, whatever you are wearing, however you feel like you are failing.
So in every victory and heartbreak, I will keep believing the truth.
I am enough.