Should I Fight For a Life that I Might Not Want To Keep?


It’s not everyday that an eighteen year old is told they will be dead within two years. Trying to absorb this information, I felt nothing. My chest was aching, but my mind was numb to this diagnosis. A cardiologist had just exposed the stage four monster that inhabited my body, Pulmonary Hypertension. I would be a lucky survivor to say I got through these next couple of years, full of pills, surgeries, and medical bills. 
People think that when you are diagnosed with something terminal, that you automatically become a courageous fighter. You are graceful, forgiving, and at peace with your life. In reality, you’re lashing out at everyone, crying, and questioning if you should even be fighting for a life that you might not want to keep. I had no idea that this physical fight would come with a mental one as well. For a long time, I tricked myself into believing that I, myself, was a disease and not worthy to keep going.
Finally, I started seeing things from my family’s point of view, and with friends’ help, I took my first steps into my own sort of mental rehabilitation of accepting my new life. Having a disease, or battling anything, is really a state of mind over matter. When you can mentally grasp it, your body will soon follow. 

Four years later, I’ve found my way through my art, my writing, my book, my fans, and other patients who have supported me through horrendous times. Pulmonary Hypertension took so much of everything that what it did leave…it left for me to intensify. Four years: I beat my expiration date.

Physically and mentally fighting Pulmonary Hypertension, I figured out that despite my diseased lungs, I was worthy to live the life I wanted to.

That is what I have continued to do: live, and accept that I am so worth loving.

Written and loved on by Haley Lynn