The problem with thinking I’d made it through my struggles to the other side, was that until you crash headfirst into rock bottom there is always further to fall.
I thought I had made it out of the woods. I had started living a better life. I was learning to love myself, flaws and all, I was doing alright. And then the phone rang.
There’s something I learned in the past six months-you never see the bad stuff, the life changing, world shaking, really bad stuff, coming. I’m a worrier, always have been, so I imagine worse case scenarios on the daily but still the bad stuff always always comes as a surprise.
I knew it was bad news because phones only ring at two am for bad news and booty calls (and I’ve only ever been acquainted with the former).
When I heard the words “he didn’t make it” my world whited out. I’m not being metaphorical either, it felt like a flashbulb had gone off right in front of my face. All I could do was gasp “what the hell” on repeat.
When you lose a parent no words can ever make it better. There is nothing I wanted to hear except my dad shouting “April fools” I didn’t want words. I didn’t want anything.
Once you’ve been acquainted with depression it is all too easy to slide back down into his grasp. And I spiraled big time. I belted out the lyrics to fight song hoping that if I could just sing it often enough and loud enough the words would become true for me. I came close to quitting this life more than once. Happiness seemed impossible, I would’ve settled for contentment but even that was too far to reach. I locked myself away and gave up hope that I would ever feel like a person again.
I’ve finally made it to my feet, but every day it’s a struggle to stay there. I am not out of the woods yet, but I’m working damn hard on getting there. I am trying every day to be kind to myself. I am worth loving. I am here. I am enough. And here’s the kicker- so are you. All of you. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you are. It doesn’t matter who you’ve lost or what you’ve been through. You are whole. You are here. You are worthy of love. So stand up babe, stand up and walk out of the woods with me.
Written and loved on by Catherine Jordan